It’s the close of the first weekend since Canada’s most intriguing election since confederation kicked into high gear. That means you probably spent your time checking threehundredeight.ca’s Up to date riding by riding election projections! … Wait you spent it partying? Drinking? Life having? Yeah well good for you. But while you gallavant away your troubles and your liver health, I’m here to break down this campaign with the bipartisanship and professionalism befitting Meet The Press: In a classy ass game of Fuck you.
For the high brow liver conservationists out there, the rules to Fuck you are simple: everyone take turns flipping over a card from the deck and there’s a rule attached to each card usually involving the consumption of a beverage. So I hope this ‘adjusted’ set of rules will help you get a handle on what to expect from this unprecedented election, and laugh at last week’s debate. May your hangovers put the pain in Campaign.
Next debate, and across the campaign trail, snag your favourite partisan lager and keep track at home! Cheers!
ACE: GIVE ONE- Every good party starts with a quick shot! Just like every good debate! The mudslinging came early and often at last week’s debate; I think it took Tom Mulcair all of 22 seconds to remind us all that our beer glass is emptying fast in the form of 8 STRAIGHT DEFICITS! (BOM BOM BOM BWAH) Meanwhile it didn’t take much longer into Act 2 to learn that Mulcair himself is secretly a separatist!! (Scandalous) Of course Harper the right and honourable has been dolling out shots since spring; with endless attacks against GQ’s best political strategist, Justin Trudeau. (Nice hair though)
VERDICT: Everyone is drinking here. Well except for the few, the proud the May Greens; whose leader proved yet again at Thursday’s debate that she’s more than capable of sharing the big stage with her ‘more Prime-Ministerial’ counterparts, despite their best attempts to simply ignore her.
TWO: SENATE SQUAD- When Harper flipped over his first “Squad card” upon election 11 years ago he vowed never to use it! OK, well maybe his refusal to compel someone to drink whenever he does doesn’t quite fit the metaphor with the chamber of sober second thought. Nonetheless, he’s now appointed 59 members to his caucus squad, and his opposition, especially ‘Angry Tom’ are Letting him know
Honestly, almost anyone should be able to see the Senate as nothing but an archaic relic of a colonialist monarchy we chose to emulate. But the fact is that it’s part of our constitution, and Justin Trudeau’s realistic position that we shouldn’t get rid of the Senate because we can’t is probably the Correct one. Sad really.
VERDICT: Harper’s drinking big here, and so is the whole squad. But any Senate debate will always look bad on the incumbent because they really have a lot less choice in the matter of abolishment than the opposition would have you believe.
THREE: STORYTIME- You know that guy who you hate doing this game with because he only ever says “penis?” Yeah, that’s debating with Harper for you. The object of this game is for the whole group to contribute words to make a continuous story without stoppages. Here’s a projection of how this one goes:
TM: Johnny EM: went JT: to SH: stability TM: a EM: mall JT: with SH: stability. TM: his EM: friends JT: and SH: stability TM: bought EM: a JT: shirt SH: stability TM: ‘scratches beard, huffs, puffs and walks out’
Verdict: Mulcair must drink, whilst being urged by handlers to appear more Prime Ministerial. He begrudgingly practices his best chipmunk smile.
FOUR: Give Two/ Take two: Let’s all just take two swigs to make my lame jokes funnier and my typos dissapear. In this game, any of these four popular media cliches will give you that chance.
Green supporters: Every time a reporter comments on how ‘surprisingly’ smart your leader seems. (You know, for being a kooky, hippy woman???)
NDPers: Everytime a reporter brings up how ‘hillarious’ it is for a potential PM to sport such a gregarious facial accompaniment. #fearthebeard
Liberals: “Nice hair though”
Conservatives: any time an angry blogging punk makes fun of his hair, his sweater vests, his cat photos or his commercials. Wait that’s me! Let’s all drink!
FIVE: NEW RULE CARD- “Clearly” Harper has been drawing fives all term. Hence it was well within his rights to institute the longest campaign period since the 1870s, strip other parties of funding opportunities and try to keep as many First Nations and homeless people from voting as possible!
Verdict: Everyone opposed to the “unfair elections act” drink up!
SIX: NEVER HAVE I EVER… We all know how this one goes. Put up three fingers ladies and gents…
EM: Never have I ever supported the Kinder Morgan Pipeline to go trough! Everyone lose a finger and slosh back a raw bitumen shot!
JT: Never have I ever opposed the Clarity act! Take a shot of 50 + 1 proof Tom you ignorant separatist!
TM: Never have I ever supported Seperatism! “I… Have… Fought… For.. Canada… My… Entire… LIfe“
SH: Never have I ever done literally anything, I’m the embodiment of manilla tag, dry cereal and UltraCuts sensibility – Harp puts on his sweater vest and drops the mic. It’s over
SEVEN: SPLIT YOU! ‘Fuck you’ is simply ‘buzz’ for the angsty and angry. And nothing makes me more angry than Income splitting. Our PM constantly scares us by saying the other parties will abolish it, or even abolish seniors income splitting or the pension!!! Problem is: Income splitting should be abolished, and the rest are very unlikely to be cut.
Income splitting allows high-earning ‘traditional’ single-income families to jump down a tax bracket by having the earner dump up to $50,000 on to his partner. It promotes out-of-date familial and gender norms, promotes people staying out of the work force, and takes tax break potential away from the poor and middle class. Abolish away!
So, in ‘split you,’ you just yell ‘Fuck you’ every time our Prime Minister harps on about Income splitting, anything with splitting in it (Seniors pension splitting) or its multiples (Canada Pension). Ah, I feel better already…
EIGHT: PARANOIA- This is simple: Take a drink each time your candidate of choice gets slammed with one of these nice myths:
Green: “Elizabeth May is out of control, unprofessional and nothing more than a Loveable nut.” For the record I thought her “welcome home khadr” skit was hillarious.
NDP: “Thomas Mulcair is a crazy, bearded Seperatist!”
Liberal: “He’s not ready”
Consecative: “it’s a toupe”
NINE: DARE CARD- ok, to be honest I’m just out of Ideas for my lame post, but I’m too far in to stop now! Thus, I shall plug myself, and “dare” you to join me and Sign the declaration for Proportional Representation! Also, feel free to read my piece (it’s below this one!) or read Andrew Coyne’s much better, albeit now dated, on why voting reform is so necessary!
TEN: DON’T GO CHASING WATERFALLS🎶… Yes, now I’m talking about the single thing that no one, NO ONE ever wants to see happen. Politicians with emotions. Take a pity swig every time Mulcair transforms into the Ice age squirrel, Harper takes a cat photo, Elizabeth May gets Bombed at a speech or The Liberal Leader turns in a Closing speech that courses through your veins as though it were written by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Trudeaus. Ugh.
JACK: RIGHTIES DRINK- Time to save the hefties for election night so you can kickstart your after-party, or drown your sorrows. Take a sip every time one of your ‘leftist, nudist, counterparts’ takes a riding from you.
QUEEN: LEFTIES DRINK- Each time your favourite Prime Minister takes a riding from your Left winger of choice, take a sip
KING: CO-ALLITION CUP- Canada is all about inclusion, and Harper is all about scaring the crap out of you with Co-allition talk. So, here’s the chance to celebrate togetherness and bi-partisanship at the end of the election with a parliamentary King’s Cup. Pour in your Greenie friend’s rolling rock, your Liberal bro’s Bud Light Apple, your (ok, My) NDP schock top and your Conservative’s tax dollar saving Pabst Blue Ribbon and toast to 5 more years of squabbling until next time! Yaaay!
Here’s hoping that at least one of my jokes hit, and you enjoyed my election primer. Enjoy the next eleven weeks, and come back often!
– Jakob Sanderson